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10月20日 In Pursuit of the Happy MorningThis morning, it occurs to me that I can remember very few happy mornings. There have been a few, and they've been marvellous, and I can remember them in great and vivid detail. There was one morning when I woke up at my then-boyfriend's parents' house. We were visiting whle in college during a long weekend, I think. I woke up and the rural surroundings offered no traffic, no sirens, no hollering kids, no demand. Just sunlight. And I remember, it was clean and bright. There was a poster on the wall of a mountainscape, and when I woke up I felt like I was in them. I was greeted with a boisterous "good morning, kid!". I felt so good it gave me goosebumps, and as I remember it, I feel like i want to cry. Later I married my boyfriend and his parents became my inlaws. That bed that I woke up in was my brother-in-law's.
Recently there was a fantastic morning in the mountains. It was the first trip out there in over 7 years. Probably close to 8. I brought the kids. It was a total last-minute decision, and I found a cabin at the foot of Mt. Robson, privately owned by a very lovely German lady. Ben was out hunting and I had the whole weekend to connect with the kids and just get away from it all. We arrived at night, kids sleeping in the car, cabin lit up with white Christmas lights, weather mild and fresh. I couldn't get enough of the SMELL. The smell of the trees! Cedar, pine... and the mountains themselves. I opened the cabin and it was cozy, bedroom night light turned on, kitchen clean and waiting. I hauled the kids in, tucked them in, set up our kitchen and locked the car (although I likely didn't need to). We couldn't really see the mountains and the clouds wre covering the stars. I woke up in the morninh and saw the mountains for REAL out the huge picture window, suddenly revealed in the morning's grey, diffused light. As the sun rose the mountains gained dimension and drama as the sun raked across them. I made coffee. The kids tested their echos. I felt free. I had a smile inside.
Every morning for weeks on end I wake up with storm clouds around my head. Can't work out, addicted to coffee, a cascade of gotta-dos tumbling from when my feet in hit the floor until they leave it again at night. I can't move quickly. I escape on the computer. I got into a fender-bender. I'm angry and sad. I've been taking care of my internal environment as much as I can by making sure I'm fighting yeast (which I'm sure had a full-out rave the night or two after I had my birthday party. how many shots was it?). I've been dealing.
I need a HAPPY morning! I went to the body shop this morning and felt swept away by a mechanic saying "how was your weekend, Marge?" (not Marge but somehing close). The old lady at the counter said "really quite good thanks, Bob! And yours?" (Not Bob, but something like it.) It was bright and warm in the reception area and Marge got me a cup of coffee and there was a big, old, sedate golden retriever laying on the floor.
I need a "good morning!". I need warmth. Brightness. Beauty. Human contact that's not demanding. Do you know, they give you that at McDonald's here if you go through their drive through for a coffee in the morning. Gosh are they ever cheerful! Makes me forget how lonely I feel.
9月30日 Federal Election According to a Four Year Old.I'm sitting here at the kitchen table with a very delicious cup of coffee. Gabriel helped me make it. I sat down on the kitchen floor when we were done, and then he sat down next to me and said, "I should have a warm drink, and you should have a warm drink."
So now we're at the kitchen table and Gabriel is sipping a cup of warm almond milk with a sprinkling of Ghirardelli mocha powder, making it chocolatey and sweet, with just a leeeeetle bit of coffee flavour like mamma's. Coffee in hand, wearing his Incredible Hulk shirt, he sips quite loudly. I say "yum" over my really welcome cup. Then there's a pause. There's today's issue of Time magazine sitting on the table in front of us, with Mc Cain and Obama on the front. "So, Gabriel. Who do you think is going to win the presidential election in the United States this year? This guy, or this guy?" and I point. He looks. Confidently he puts down a chubby finger. "This guy." Obama wins. "Why this guy?" "Because he's the smartest." "I think he's the smartest too. What about this guy? why isn't he the smartest?" "Because he's not the coolest. This guy is the coolest." "This guy's name is Barack Obama." "What's that guy's name?" "John McCain." "John McCain. He's not going to win." "Gimme five, big kid." Then we're riffling through the pages, looking for pictures of Joe Biden and Sarah Palin. They are Obama and McCain's "partners". I get to be Biden. Gabe gets to be Obama. We don't find a picture of Biden, but then we see a spread with John and Barack standing in a maze of money, looking determined. "Gabriel, who's going to win the maze? Who's going to get out of it first?" Of course. Obama is the favorite here, as well. "Why is he going to win?" "Because John McCain is going to walk, and Barack Obama is going to run." We finish our coffee. Gabriel is now drinking water through a minitaure whisk, delighted that he discovered it can also be a straw. Can't wait for November. 8月28日 Schools These Days. I complained about it last year, and I'll complain about it again. Perhaps I'll start by transcribing the school supply list for the Grade Twos this year. Quantity Description 8 Duotangs 1 200 Page Plain Looseleaf 1 200 Page Ruled Looseleaf 1 120 ml White School Glue 1 Hilroy 1/2 Blank 1/2 Lined Exercise Book 2 Hilroy Lined Exercise Books 1 Hilroy 1/2 Blank 1/2 Interlined Exercise Book 3 Hilroy Interlined Exercise Books 6 White Erasers 4 Large Glue Sticks (40g) 24 HB Pencils (sharpened) 5 Large Ziploc Bags 1 Crayola 12 Pencil Crayons (Pre-sharpened) 1 Crayola 16 Wax Crayons 2 Crayola 8 Washable Markers (Wide Tipped) 1 Facial Tissue (250 Sheets) 1 Dry Erase Pens (Chisel Tip – 4 Pack) 2 Highlighters (Yellow) 2 Post it Notes (2 x 1½) 1 Plastic Pencil Box 1 1” Commercial Quality Binder 1 30 cm Clear Plastic Ruler (mm & cm) 1 Pencil Sharpener with Lid 1 Fiskars Childrens Scissors (Pointed) 1 Black Sharpie Pen Headphone for computer use HAVE A GREAT SUMMER Ok. The paper, I get. No worries. Paper paper, all you want. But ok. Now look. SIX WHITE ERASERS. Six??? I went through ONE all year long back in the day. Maybe two. How on EARTH will any child use six, unless they're cutting them up and using them as pea-shooter ammo? Lord. If you require your students to have six white erasers in their pencil boxes, I would question your teaching. Second and third: four glue sticks. TWENTY FOUR pencils. Do I even need to say anything here? Twenty-four pencils. When I went to school I did a whole lot more writing than my kids do now, and I went through maybe three. I remember getting down to the end of a pencil and it being an amazing, celebratory experience. Are there more kids who chew their pencils beyond recognition nowadays? Are they making log cabins out of pencils in art class? Are they donating some to Africa? And the four glue sticks thing. I never got to the bottom of a glue stick. Well maybe I did. Once. FOUR? Oh, and why they require TWO packages of the same 8 markers is beyond me. If they run out I'll go buy more later. I could go on, but you get the picture. I'm returning a bunch of the stuff I got, and my kids are going to school with probably half of the pencil-case requirements. It wiped me out. I'm broke. Twins to buy school supplies for. Indoor shoes, music lessons, sports, lunches... And then. The public schools like to think they're private nowadays. Teachers out there, feel free to flame me for this part if you feel like it, but why on EARTH am I paying fees at a public school? For each child, it's $150.00. Not too bad, compared to university tuition or private school. Add to that, however, fees for an agenda that the kids REQUIRE as part of their curriculum. Should I be buying them textbooks in grade two as well? After the agenda fees, there are the lunch lady fees. I have to pay the lunch lady, too. Once a month there's a "hot lunch day" where local fast food joints nourish our babies' bellies with 100% pure ground beef on sesame seed buns, special sauce and nice big swigs of milkshakes to wash it all down. SO order that on the order form and pay no later than Tuesday for all three boys now in school. Oh, and volunteer your time to help distribute it. After that, about once or twice amonth, there are hot dog days and cupcake crazes where the kids get to eat meat-packing plant floor scrapings, white bread and sugar. Pack some Twonies in the kids pockets for that. Sometime at the beginning of the year too, expect to get a nice invoice for field trip fees. You'll probably buy some skates to go along with that. So after all of that, your happy child marches home with Scholastic book order forms once a month. Once a month!!! I think I remember twice a year. Then there's the UNicef Halloween penny carnival, the Christmas fundraising campaignSSS (yes, three of them: wreaths, gifts/chocolates/wrapping paper, and whatever else.) As well as the charity drive for the Kinsmen club where you buy extra toiletries and presents for all the less fortunate ones who can't afford deodorant because they were too busy paying the public schools on top of their tax money. Tired yet? It doesn't end. They sponsor a child in Africa, ask for change every single week of the year, and by the time school is over, hand you a big fat list of what you'll need next year, along with all the school supplies that miraculously didn't get used. There's also a teacher appreciation WEEK where every single day you're to bring something else to flesh out the staff room, volunteer to help with the festivities, and donate money. I found out last year that the parents' generosity helped to fund a cappuccino machine for the staff room! Oh BLISS! Then there's a spellathon and a math-a-thon. Sponsor your kids and run around begging for money from your extended family and co workers that they pledge to give if your kid can spell "the". Thank goodness the kids don't ride the bus. I'm so bloody broke. Tell you what. I know our schools aren't getting funded adquately. I know our poor teachers can't make ends meet so they need to strike once every four years or so. Let's just quit pretending we even have a public school system, call the whole thing private, charge me tuition at the beginning of the year, all-inclusive, and leave me the hell alone. It'll probably save me a bundle. 8月10日 Too much cheese. I'm on nutrition program. It dictates, today, a half cup of cereal, three quarters of a cup of 1% milk, a dribble of olive oil and some cheese. Three ounces' worth. I enjoy this program, but it's hard to eat three ounces of cheese all at once. Maybe I should melt it. I'm grouchy today. I just want to hide in bed and nurse my grouch till it goes away somewhere, but that's a luxury I don't really have with kids. I always fel guilty if I go to bed and stay there too late. Is that something I should get over? We saw The Dark Knight last night. It was the best Batman movie ever. Heath Ledger was unreal. Which makes his tragedy even worse. That movie is still with me. And it was Batman, for crying out loud. So let's write a paragraph that's longer than a few sentences. Lord. Why am I blanking? You know, we went to Davenport again for summer vacation this year. It was amazing. As soon as I was there, I remembered the headspace I used to be in. I remembered writing all the time. I remembered that feeling of belonging. It made me want to hang diapers on the line to dry. I remembered being hot. I remember feeling released when we all went to the park, although too many times I was tired and stressed... but it was still a release. I remembered how I was finally getting around to loving myself and dancing and making my way into the community. Another year or so and I would have known newspaper editors, lounge owners ,political figures. Did I only see the big picture this last year? I think so. So maybe where I am this year is a good thing. Nonetheless, walking through the locust trees and seeing my boys climb and hearing the cicadas made me feel at home in my own skin. I do miss it a lot. And it made me want to write. I guess there's a quietness there when there are no other purposes, duties, assignments, expectations pulling at you. I remember church and the friends we had and the gorgeous farmer's market, the seasons... already it's changing here. It cooled off a lot today and I fear my tan is on its way out. Would I feel the same way about here as I do about Davenport if I were ever to leave? Mmm. Where's that bed? I finished my cheese. I just want to sleep now. 3月28日 Early morning sentences.With what do I begin? I suppose, just like in previous entries, I oughtta just start somewhere. It's been close to a year since I've written anything here, which I find shocking, given the feeling of recency of the Starbucks incident.
Hmm. One second. I have to replenish my hot water bottle. There! I'm back. And it took no time at all for you...
I feel as though I'm lightyears ahead of where I was even two weeks ago, yet at the same time, I'm back in the old saddle again. I've had experiences that have caused me to marvel at my purpose here on earth, and propel me into discovering what it is I'm meant to do with my precious time. I really got excited about that, until I got sledge-hammered with a brand new shiney bladder infection. Again. And now I sit here in my kitchen with a hot watter bottle and lots of tea, unable to sleep and feeling nothing but the present moment. Not pitying myself, no. I'm frustrated. I'm a bit concerned for my health. But I hate physical discomfort getting in the way of illumination!
I went to New Zealand. It's been a lifelong dream of mine to go there. A literal dream... I dreamed about it when I was a young girl. I woke up with a sense of exhilaration, breathtaking euphoria and freedom, and that's what I felt when I went there. I'm back now, and the things I learned while I was there with a very dear, close friend are what will be catapulting me into a new and stellar life. I feel as though nothing is impossible.
Except, perhaps, maintaining a healthy bladder!
4月18日 Random Act of Kindness, or, Saved at the StarbucksIt was so unexpected! This morning I was late to wake up. I first opened my eyes at 7:11 thinking, ah... good. I still have half an hour to snooze. I next opened my eyes at 8:26, about 10 minutes before I had to have my kids at school. And they weren't even dressed. So anyhow, up I fly, on go the clothes (am I heavier today?), back goes the hair and into my shoes I run. Kids, get your clothes on!! We're late! They bolt down the stairs and goof off for awhile- I have to yell several times for them to get a move-on. Gabriel won't stop whining that he wants to come with me when he sees me hold the van keys. I yell at him, I'll be back in ten minutes! Relax!!! Now I'm on my knees tying Peter's shoes, and out the door we go. The kids are bouncing off the walls... at least they're happy. Lucky (read: poor) Mrs. T in kindergarten. And then the van is suddenly quiet. There's rain outside and it's blue-grey everywhere. I remember that this is quintessential school weather. This is "I have an essay in my backpack and we're doing gym today and I'm tired and I hope I never see Dylan again and I can't wait till lunch so I can give Dave my note" weather. I decide to grab a coffee at Starbucks, since the coffee I poured at home was yesterday's and I didn't realize it till I had a mouthful. So, off to Starbucks. I'm staring at the drive-thru menu, remembering a joke about Sugar-Free Soy Milk Cinnamon Dolce Latte No Whips on a favorite forum. I decide to modify my humble drink just a bit in fond remembrance, and order a tall light blend with a shot of toffee-nut and some cream. I inch forward. I check my face out in the mirror and notice a zit. I'm 30. I inch forward some more. I'm watching the barista in the window now, and she's sooo cheerful. In a nice way. I smile. She helpfully reminds the person she's talking to that the latte doesn't come with whip so he doesn't have to say "no whip" if he doesn't want to. Then she perkily offers a "you're very welcome!" to the appreciative, newly educated patron. then it's my turn. I have a twenty in my hand and she looks at me with a bright smile and says "you're the toffee-nut!" I smile and think, well I like toffee, but I'm not a nut about it. Tee hee. I go to give her the cash and she smiles and says "Oh! Actually the lady in front of you paid for you already! She says have a great day...." At which point I respond "Oh!! Oh!" and sort of look around, snapped out of my little internal world and smiling with my heart beatinga little more qiuckly. Then the ebullient barista says "I know! Isn't that nice??" "Yes... yeah it is... thanks :) " and I grab my coffee, which isn't a tall... I think it's a venti now. And I drive away laughing, and then I start to cry! I'm crying! If i had a friend in the seat next to me and s/he bought me a cup of coffee, I would have thanked them kindly and enjoyed my coffee. But a random person wanted another random person to have a great day, a random LADY wanted this lady to have a great day, and spent a little money on her to encourage it! Suddenly I felt as if the chastisements, subtle and overt, that I got yesterday, were of no conequence, that my day had potential, that I was perhaps good, and that gosh darn it, I could DO it! I instantly started thinking about all the positive things people had said about me recently, about all the things I was proud of, about all the good jobs I'd done, about how probably I AM a decent mother, and how lovely this day really is. I think I uttered "I have to start doing that" about three time out loud, referring to buying the person behind me their cup of coffee. So. I was the receipient of a random act of kindness. I'd heard about them, but this was the most genuine example I'd had, and what an impact it made. Just a cup of coffee. I'm going to pay it forward. And I'm not going to feel even remotely apologetic that I'm embracing popular culture cliches. It feels really good and I DO believe it makes the world a better place. 3月8日 MeltShocking, really. This whole place was a landscape of hard, slippery whiteness. Since the beginning of November, we've been under a LOT of snow, and that's good, I think. I asked for it, coming up here. After four "winters" in Iowa (although the winter of 2005/6 was a doozy), I was craving a good, solid freeze. A winter the way I remembered them, growing up. Lo and behold, the trendy thought of the Law of Attraction worked like a charm, and my kids got to play in feet and feet of snow, a maze of tunnels Ben carved out for them in the front yard, sledding, snowballing, the works! The piles of snow on the roadsides are high enough to obscure oncoming vans from view, there has been a consistent foot of hard-packed ice and snow on the unshoveled walkways and roads. There is a catwalk on the way to school, and I noticed that our feet tread at an altitude that reaches a third of the way up the tall fences that flank it. When that thing melts it's going to be CRAZY.
Anyhow, yesterday and today have been in the PLUSSES. Incredible. It was +8C yesterday. The sun actually felt warm when you were standing in it. Incredible. Today I looked around me and in the space of about 50 hours or so, the snow piles have gone down almost a foot, most of the streets are bare and I find myself gasping at the speed with which the thaw comes. A week ago, it was snowing steadily. Softly and silently, the world was covered for the last time in awhile, with pre-spring sparkles; those flat, brilliant little mirrors that make even the black roadside ice piles look like they belong in an eight year old's glitter-snow globe on her dresser. It looked as if the white bumpy roads were a fixture. Even though I've been through thirty of these, I still had a hard time wrapping my mind around the possibility of a melt. Seemed like fantasy. I thought for sure the ice piles would take months to slowly whittle away in the sun. Here I am today, struck by this speed of change. The ice in insubstantial, the snow is't snow anymore. It's sort of white, spongy wet stuff full of holes, hard and wet and crumbly. I even saw a spot of brown grass this morning. So fast.
Around here, it seems impossible sometimes that there will come a day where you can walk out the front door and NOT wear a coat. You get so used to the smell of snow and the slip of ice and the look of the grey, sleeping trees. Cold hands on frigid steering wheels, shoulders up around ears, not seeing the actual ground for four or five months... and then when the warmth hits, there's this flood of urgency. Green, it its wealth, busts out everywhere. Skin shows, bare arms see the sun, curiously attractive bums show from under thin skirts, before it's actually warm enough for it to be entirely comfortable. Car horns honk and cock rock spills from the radio. People walk fast and Slurpees are bought. Spring, here, is like a gasp of air after you've been scraping and banging under the surface of a frozen lake for a nearly deadly amont of time. It all comes at once and you barely know what to do with it all.
Go for coffee, is what I say. I'll go for coffee and find someone to come with me to look at the bare skin and skirted bums and busting green and sparkling eyes, and marvel at the dramatic change of seasons. 2月12日 LebenskünstlerLebenskünstler = master of the art of living
http://leisurearts.blogspot.com/2006/08/lebensknstler-leisurearts-notes.html I received a God-given phone call today from my grandmother. I've been feeling very VERY down after being cut from a dance team I shoudn't have been on, anyhow. I've been trying to deal with increased work and a feeling of needing to nurture my professional life, while feeling quite guilty about the time spent away from the family. My grandmother called just now, and told me to pass a message onto my mom, that she had foudn the bridge for her cello that would replace the broken bridge. She was fearing she'd lost it. My mom is napping, however, and I got to chit chat with her for a little while. I was explaining my life a little, and trying to describe that staying home with the blinders on was stifling and miserable, but being out and about too much was too manic and caused a different kind of imbalance. Omi said "there's a word for this in German, 'lebenskünstler', and it means, 'artist of life'. You need to find the happy medium and live well." there you have it. It made me cry. It's something I've heard like every day my entire life, but it was exactly what i needed to hear right now.
Those Germans have a word for everything. I want to be a lebenskünstler, and I will be. If I feel the yearning to master something, it will be this. Not an aspect of of what I must balance, but balance itself. I will be my zodiac in perfect symmetry. If I feel the need to shine and perform with astonishing mastery, I'll dedicate myself to health, to the perfection of the art of living. Everything else is not only soul-killing, but murder on the peace of those who need and love me. Oscar Wilde once purportedly said "I put my talent into my work, but my genius into my life." A suitable introduction to this week's entry, Lebenskünstler. Literally translated, it means "life-artist." ... He is a Lebenskünstler. Someone who pieces together his living from various activities that, collectively, bring in just enough money to live. No office, no suit, no boss, no rules. German has a word for such people, and English doesn't. There's even a higher form of Lebenskünstler, and that is the Überlebenskünstler, or "survival artist." -- from the blog "LeisureArts" I'mgoing to find out more about Oscar Wilde. He's been placed in front of me for a very strong reason. I will follow through. 2月4日 I want bangs again.I was going through our old photo albums, completely lost in the worlds I remember. Seems so strange that they only exists in some kind of weird memory place in my brain, and in these pictures. At any rate, it made me want to be less than 7 again. 7 and under was magic. My face was luminous. My bangs!!! They were so pretty. I kissed my brother's little baby lips and played with my parents. Right around that time there was a picture of me, at 7, with a look of concerned awareness on my face. I remember that day. It was weird. I was so pretty in that picture, but I remember the whole entire day... I remember going to the park with my brother. There was a sense of loss, of sudden awareness, and this weird, foreboding restlessness. It marked the beginning of my awkward years that didn't end until I was probably around 19 or so.
When I was taking clowning, I kept a picture of me in the bathtus as a two year old, where my eyes looked huge and dark and utterly spellbinding, and my face looked mischeivious, beautiful, healthy and full of raw, sensory joy. I remember why these pictures were so important to me during that time. It was a time I was supposed to be discovering some exaggerated version of me... something that lived wholly in the present and did not follow regular rules. Something that was purely joyful and utterly enraptured by the world around her. These pictures were the expression of that. The me that was. And what I should strive to become again. It occurs to me that the seduction of seriousness and melancholy is a terrible thing... it rips you away from that beautiful, light-filled, flawless child you really are, from which you grew away.
Even if I don't get bangs again, I might just bring a cup into the bathtub with me and pour it over my head next time, or stand at the foot of a tree and stare up it, marvelling at how I could possibly be touching something so big. 1月21日 English? Huh?I've been reading over some of my recent posts, and it's occurred to me that my lack of consistent blogging has had a severely adverse affect on my command of the English language. Ugh. I read like I'm in high school.
Come to think of it, I might be going through a little bit of seasonal affective disorder. HAH! What a triumphant discovery! I start to feel miserable, confused, like the whole world is wrong, and I get into a panic because I can't figure out why. My mind always concocts the absolute worst possibilities for my lethargy and discontent. When i realize it's because I haven't had sunlight on my face for probably around three months, it's such a relief. My therapist is a tanning bed. I might go tomorrow. In fact, I will. I started going in January/February in the winter months of college several years ago, and I remember how I leapt out of the salon. Invigorated, warm. I'm so COLD all the time. I don't have any energy in my body. I'm just miserable and liquid-feeling. I went upstairs and hugged myself... frustrated that I was so cold and had no way of getting warm. Hubby suggested food... but there was nothing around that would have done the trick. Fruit=cold. Tea=unsatisfyng. Soup=liquid, in which I already felt I was swimming. And everything else was in the chilly, yucky fridge. My bed even feels cold. The blankets are poly-filled, instead of feathers, and sit on top of me rather formally and professionally. I want FEATHERS. I want to be wrapped up and cuddled and warrrmmm.
Tanning bed it is. One day I'll find a palm tree to go with it.
I think the kids are suffering from it, too. All I've heard for the last month, if they're in the same room together, is vicious fighting. They're going bonkers. They need space, warmth, freedom and sunlight. Try to find THAT in Alberta in January. Ugh. I want to move to someplace warm.
Weird. Humans have minds that can leap to mystical heights, philosophical depths, profound truths and far-reaching theories, yet even the most advanced of us are completely enslaved by our senses. How freeing it would be to live the life of a Tibetan monk (cliche, I know), and be able to dry a wet sheet by draping it over you and willing your core temperature to rise several degrees, until the sheet is steaming. I would love my body to be my slave, rather than my master. I would love it it be obedient and patient. It seems to war with my mind and soul for dominance. I guess this is true of most of us. I just feel like I'm on the edge, just the verge, of winning over it. Sometimes I do, for finite periods of time, and then I relinquish my mastery and once again sink into obedience to the ID.
How do I wind up here? How do I talk about writing poorly, and end up at Freudian personality theory? I'm like a not-funny Simpsons episode. Flow-of-consciousness, how-did-we-get-here, having some Important Things to say, but no real structure by which to examine that Important Thing with any amount of depth. Huh. Ok, maybe I need a tanning bed and some ginseng. A tanning bed, some ginseng and a feather comforter. And some pyjamas that are long enough to go down to my ankles and wrists. Yeah.
Hee hee. I find it funny that one person googling "Tibetan monk", another looking for "dominance, master, slave", one looking for "therapist" and yet another looking for "The Simpsons" will all be directed here. I find it funnier that when I read that list of keywords back to myself, it doesn't look at all strange or unrelated.
1月20日 Mini walkaboutI'm restless. I wanna go for coffee with someone. Right now, close to my home; friendly, easy, long and comfortable. But that would take me away from the kids and house and Ben AGAIN, and I would likely feel guilty afterwards. I've been going out so much to work and occasionally to dance, while the family stays here. I almost feel more stifled working, because any leisure time I spend away from the family is yet another few hours away, added onto an incresing amount of time away. I can't go out and feel completely justifiable. Is this psychotic? I need to find stuff for them to do. Is there a buddy they could play with? Victor's sick. No can do.
I'll go for coffee with someone. My tummy feels yucky. I could go for some tea or something. Some good conversation. I'll just take a nice walk. That's not bad. But what if I want to go to the social tonight? Actually I don't want to. I never really feel like I fit in there. And I always get asked to dance by the weird guy that doesnt know how to dance.
The trouble with internet friends is that they're so blasted international. Everyone local is always busy, and all of you, who'd likely call me up for a coffee right now, are halfway around the freaking globe! Maybe we should met at the Timmy's in Winnipeg. Race you there!
1月19日 Back into the swing of things.I'm so glad it's the new year and Christmas is over!
Seems full of promise. Right now, the latest spiritual/psychological fad is the idea of "The Law of Attraction", outlined in the move, The Secret. I haven't seen said movie, but I get the idea: one will attract conditions that one essentially believes about onesself. For example, I was talking to a lady who was counseling her friend. Her friend kept saying "we're so broke, we're so broke all the time!" . My fried pointed out that lately, pipes had broken in their house, things needed fixing, all manner of unforeseen expenses kept popping up, and my friend suggested that if her friend was putting it into the universe that she's constantly broke, the universe would keep finding ways to suck her money out of her pockets. She suggested that her friend change her mindset to "we're wealthy and everything will work out", and that would be enough to change her conditions.
I hypothesize that part of this is simply dropping a script into the vessel of our minds, and then allowing our subconscious to identify with it. This, in turn, directs us without consciously knowing, to making better decisions during our daily existence. In the thousand little decisions we make, about how to feel, what do to, how to react, every day, we would choose better options with a more productive mindset.
Fine and dandy. But what is really neat is how totally uncontrollable things pop up that seem to say "God is watching you and heard your desire." I desired to be respected, honoured. I desired deeply to be more alert, less impulsive, more intentional. I wanted to be less noticed, more appreciated. And a lot of other things. I started the year wanting to change a lot of things, and just by putting them out there (so I think New Year's Resolutions are actually full of potential), I've been receiving regard from people that satisfies my desire in all sorts of surprising ways. I've recently met people that are full of honour. I've been more on top of my work. People have been responding more quickly to my e-mails. My body feels better. I understand that this is all a combination of how I'm presenting myself and a tiny smidgen of cosmic weirdness... but the unexpected consistency of it is something else.
There's still a lot more to be done. Lots in my heart to give to God.
In other news, the kids are back in kindergarten, and I'm glad! They were going crazy being cooped up here. I honestly look back at myhomeschooling fervour, and am glad I had the guts to admit to myself that it wasn't what was meant for me at this time. the kids are doing so well and really growing in that school. I'm thankful we decided to go that route. What else? Dancing is coming along and I think I'm ready to break into another level. I'm still having problems following certain leads for some reason, but the interest in expanding is back, and I feel a new comfort with it. The jobs are chugging along. Getting things done. What can I say? Bla bla bla. I'm losing steam.
Next blog, I'll post something interesting. ;)
1月10日 0:00That's the average visit length for people at this site, apparently. I don't know how that's mathematically possible, but that's what site meter says! So if you're here, try to stay for at least 2 seconds. 0:00 sounds just pathetic and it's really kind if depressing. If there were SOME cardinal number there, I'd be happy. 1月8日 face to facemouth to ear
ear's mouth to new ear
hand to phone
mouth to me
ear to phone
hand to mouth
tear to eye
knees to chest
heart to throat
close the phone
open breath
face to face
with them
face to face with
me
sun lifts, lights,
moves and sets
moon rises and stays high
i feel
thumps in chest
burn in eyes
heavy lids
knotted gut
eyes turned in
lids cast down
palms turned up
face to face with
Him
hand to phone
mouth to ear
heart to head
head to heart
heart to breath
breathing slows
heart to heart
head slows down
i uncurl
allow a smile
close the phone
face to face
with me
off i go
face to face with
them
knowing He
and I
are One.
1月3日 Hello, mysterious fan...It's always kind of neat to look through my statistics and see what kind of activity I've been getting. Not a lot of people read my blog, but once in awhile I'll find someone who comes and reads everything. I'll look, and see that like 12 of my entries have been read, or at least flipped through. Gives me a little thrill. I don't even know if the reader likes what s/he read or anything, but there's something very validating about seeing that someone has leafed through my little public diary. So if you've done so, thank you! And, "HELLO!"
In other news, I'm back in the swing of things with work. I'm glad, too. The last three or four days, I've been pretty antsy about getting back. I start to get tense when I don't have my little paws on work stuff, and I know that things need to be dealt with. Part of it is a need to get things done, but there's another part of it that's afraid of becoming obsolete. I don't want anyone who's needed me in the past to suddenly stop needing me, unless it's high time and I really do need to step out of the picture. As I write this, I realize that one of the big driving motivations in my life has been to become invaluable to you. To you, I want to be quickly and deeply esteemed, amazing, indispensible, integral, trusted and deferred to. I want you to grow with me, overcome obstacles, become exhilarated, discover your spirit, discover a truth, heal, get healthy, uncover a new ability, find a new road to where you want to go. I want you to experience a well-appointed room, table, house, bedside, yard, party. I'm the hostess with the mostest. I'm the quintessential, slightly neurotic Greek hospitality-minded den-mother. I even approach business that way. What I'm learning is how to be consistent in the results I get for those I work with, to remain balanced as I fulfill needs, to not lose sight of my own needs, and distiguish who I am apart from those who count on me.
One thing that helps me do that is remembering God, and the bigger picture. What choices shape my soul? What prepares me positively for the Big Finish? What takes chips out of me and weighs me down? Am I breathing? Am I calm? Am I worrying? Am I feeling depleted and therefore focusing too much energy on my most immediately discernable appetites? I've been reminded recently to breathe: it's amazing how I forget to do that. Because ultimately, whether people are reading my blog or not, whether I'm indispensible to you or not, I need my own air. And there's no-one who can validate me enough if I'm not remembering my own centre, my own soul, my own two feet and hands. This is what I have to move forward with this year. I realize I've mentioned "this new year" three times in as many days, but it must be important if I've done so! This is my biggest homework, my largest assignment. Stay in touch with the middle, with the I AM, keep the Omega in front of me for perspective. Then, hopefully, I, and those who count on me and enjoy me, will flourish. 1月2日 healingSome of you may know I was completely out of commission with a really bad back for awhile. I started in early November with a stiff and sore lower back (I have a history of it, and it's easily avoided through excercise, good sleep and being adjusted with the NUCCA technique). But I was working too much and not dancing regularly enough, and put up with my sore back because I needed to go to work. Seems I still haven't figured out how to balance my work life. At any rate, as the month progressed, so did my crazy life, resulting in a herniated disc and sciatic nerve impingement. Sciatica!!! My whole family has had it, and I was waltzing around, thinking I was immune. Ow. I'm not. it was the worst pain I've ever experienced.
Would you listen to that... I'm speaking in the past tense!
From everything I've heard, sciatica takes months to heal. As soon as I got it I went on a toothy, voracious hunt for help. I got adjusted every two to three days for like two weeks, I underwent some N.O.T.-type therapy (wonderful), am currently in the middle of a colon cleanse which involves three days of preparatory suplement taking and dietary modification, then four days of straight fasting (I'm in day 2), drinking juice and taking fibre with montmarillonite clay to scrub you clean five times a day, followed by two days of restoration. I meditate. I've been letting things go. I'm taking an herbal 'Inflam-Away" supplement and I'm also attacking the yeast in my blood. I'm getting adjusted again soon and I've been doing core strengthening excercises and streches. I'm seeing my mentor on Thursday. And.... and today I took no Advil. I needed none last night while I slept. I'm tentatively embracing this nearly pain-free existance. The sciatica is still there a little, but it's not intruding anymore, and I can BEND. if I maintain my posture and engage my abs all the time, I'm really quite comfortable. Wow. So. I'm on the mend.
Taking control of my miserable state was absolute priority. In the meantime I got honest with myself about my soul, my truths, and managed to let go of some stressful realities that I didn't need to hang onto. I'm tired of feeling confused and upset and I'm going to forget about sinking into it entirely. I think this cleanse has helped me a lot. I could feel myself totally clogged... I couldn'tthink and I couldn't see past my internal sluggishness. Kickstarting and housecleaning is a great way to come out of that. It's amazing how much you can improve your mind and your emotions by cleaning out your body. It's a good thing to do at the beginning of the year.
It's also been easier to write here again. 2006 was way too full of changes and internal stuff and there wasn't enough creative energy left to put anything out there. I can't wait to receive some comments again and be in contact with you all. Feel free to say hi.
12月31日 In anticipation of 20072006 can end today. Gladly.
I'm ready for this to be over. I'm ready for a new year. It means little, really... the new number. It seems arbitrary. But I do believe years have a resonance, a meaning... for one thing, we all operate within this cycle. "Things" that happen are scheduled and reliant upon the date. It was 2006 we had to move out of our place in Iowa. 2006 we had to move in with parents. 2006 saw ben fail his third part boards, saw us go utterly broke, saw me work too hard and wreck my back. Granted, 2006 also saw my brother in law get married, my kids go to kindergarten and make new friends, my first salsa congress and what I consider my first real job, with the ability to actually go somewhere. I got to meet my spiritual/life mentor, some amazing healers, reunite with very good friends, expect two babies from inlaws and friends, learn to drive, meet my dance teacher and learn about live blood analysis. It saw Ben graduate and it taught me how to arrange flowers, as well as introduce myself to corporate Edmonton.
So the "stuff" wasn't bad. All I can feel right now is a great eagerness for the next year... when we'll see some money, a house of our own, a new ownership over daily doings. I have some big steps to make inside myself which I'll be doing with guidance. I have an industry to create. I have possibility. And with new responsibility I'll have new freedom.
I'm hungry now. I hope you all have a nice celebration this evening. Comment and tell me what you're looking forward to about 2007. I think it has a nice ring to it.
11月28日 "That was a good movie."Ever since I was little, I LOVED going out for a movie. The thing I hated was that weird post-movie quietness, where everyone looks at each other and stretches and sort of smiles, and nobody talks and you always feel awkward being the first one to talk, especially if the movie was really good. IN this case it's usually a relief to really have to pee and rush off to the bathroom. By the time you've waited in line and come back out, your companions are usually well into the conversation and the Awkward Moment has passed. Usually, in my family, we all got into the car and sat silent for most of the drive home, except for the odd comment, usually by my mom, and I was usually annoyed. I have no idea why. I hated hearing "that was good". Or any comment, really.
So suddenly today, after watching the Lake House (which I love), and having the post-movie silence happen again, I figured it out! I know why it happens. Movies are a modern creation... with no consistent social tradition regarding their consumption. At least, not anymore. Movies are a cross between a book and a play. A book is a story you enjoy quiety, in your own mind, and when it's over, you close it and silently reflect before putting it down. Then you go on to other stuff, eventually discussing it with someone, or maybe not at all. It doesn't matter, because it was your experience, and that's it. A play has people you can watch and words you can hear, and you do it with other people in a darkened theatre. When it's over, the lights change and you clap and talk and hoot and holler or whatever, you stand up at some point and then everyone starts talking and you go for dessert or a drink or something. If you're really lucky, (or unlucky), you know someone involved in the play and they ask you for feedback and you give it, and everyone talks. And it's not awkward. Unless the play stank and your friend is insecure.
So here we are at a movie, a story that we have no actual human contact with, that we receive into our minds like books, but hear and experience kind of like a play, and when it's over, the lights change and there's no opportunity to clap or hoot or holler or tell the actor what you thought of his performance. You're stuck in a feedback-clog. You're in a social setting, but you sort of feel like you've just read a book. You want to sort of absorb what you saw silently...it hit you personally, and you're not supposed to clap. If you're not making out in the theatre after the credits, you're relegated to the "who's going to talk first and sound annoying and goofy" moment.
This epiphany does me no good, because my choices remain the same. I can either suffer the Awkward Moment (arming myself, of course, with an extra large Sprite from the concession) , or clap after a movie and act a bit like I'm a few cards short of a deck. You know, there's something in me urging me to go ahead and clap. 11月13日 Working on a life.So now it's my turn. We were in Davenport for nearly four years, and while Ben gets ready to set up his professional career here, and we slowly sort out how our lives are going to operate, I'm figuring out some necessities for me too.
The boys are in kindergarten. Big news for someone who wanted to homeschool. I'm relieved. It's going well. I have a part time job. And as much as i hate going through all the stress associated with getting the kids taken care of, I realize that I really don't want to give this up. I need to be engaged, professionally. Now I have a PR job with a club owner where I go salsa dancing... this is right up my alley. Personal assistant and PR. I know this is a step on the path I need to walk towards becoming more whole. Now there are other things I know I need to figure out. One step at a time. This isn't quite what I was expecting or planning. It's funny how our lives are never quite what we thought they'd be. At least in my case.
I really have nothing more to write. Have jobs. Have kids. Have hubby. Need house. Need balance. Need clarity of purpose. It's coming along. 11月7日 In God's time.One day, things start to circulate aroundy ou, and you begin to discover who you are. Who you really are. You begin to be shown your gifts, your power, your place in the universe. And in God's own time, and his own gentle and intense ways, He leads you to a place you never thought you could be. People begin to surround you, and you come into the lives of people, who you need and who need you. God uses you and them as tools in His design, and reveals that design to you slowly, like a patient hand slowly feeding crumbs to birds. He's being so gentle with me right now. I can't do anything but stand in utter awe at the words of love he is profusely pouring out into my ears and deep into my heart. He is filling me up and I can't believe how empty I was for so long. I just pray I can take this love with me and please Him with it. Please keep praying for me. More words keep coming and keep teaching me, and I want so badly to be a soul that shines and lives in joy and makes Him happy. I still feel weak, but at least I feel weak and in love. |
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